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Center for Enlightened Leadership
 
THE LENS E-NEWSLETTER/JOURNAL

Walk Your Talk
By STEPHEN L. SOKOLOW

  Dr. Stephen L. Sokolow
  Dr. Stephen L. Sokolow
Executive Director and Founding Partner

“What you are hovers over you the while despite what you say to the contrary,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson almost 150 years ago. Walking your talk is about being authentic. When we do what we say and say what we do, people are more inclined to believe us. When we do so consistently, we gain credibility and engender trust.

That seems like a pretty straightforward proposition. Since most leaders want to have credibility and be trusted, why don’t more leaders practice what they preach? We’re all familiar with the adages: Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. It’s almost always easier to say something than do it. Moreover, what we say and what people hear frequently diverge. Leaders must pay close attention to this principle not only because it will increase their power and effectiveness but also because their followers are keenly tuned into this dynamic. If you are a leader, people are watching and listening to you; they are assessing the degree to which you keep your word. When circumstances change, as they frequently do, leaders must be up front in declaring why they will not or can not do what they said they would.

Not only does walking your talk engender trust, it also produces respect. We respect people who do what they say even if we don’t agree with what they are doing. Walking your talk is a manifestation of a fundamental aspect of who you really are; at its core it is a reflection of your integrity.

Think about leaders you respect. Think about leaders you trust. Aren’t these the people who do what they say and say what they do? Aren’t these the people we admire and wish to emulate? Think about your role models. One of my role models was Professor Lee Olson, who has passed on. He will be forever with me. He exemplified the gold standard in living this principle. He was a part of my life for forty-five years. During that time he never failed to walk his talk. He was so authentic in his dealings with me and the people we knew in common that I thought he was a divine being of some sort—perhaps an angel, who knows? His wife and sons assured me that he was quite human, with shortcomings and frailties like the rest of us. Maybe so, but it was truly inspiring to know someone who lived this principle every day. I never thought to ask him if that’s just the way he was or if he had to work at it. True masters always make things look easy that never are. Most of us, myself included, have to work at it. We not only have to monitor ourselves, but we also need to heed the feedback we get from others. When others tell us we haven’t done what we said we were going to do, then what? Are we defensive or apologetic? Do we thank them or resent them? Do we endeavor to make things right or explain why we can’t?

Often, walking our talk doesn’t involve others. It involves our self-talk and commitment to the things we say we believe. I believe in the power of being positive. I believe in the power of thought. Not long ago I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. The technician noticed a red spot on the roof of my mouth and asked the dentist to examine it. To my surprise, the dentist nonchalantly said it probably was just an abrasion, but it could be cancer. She said I should schedule another appointment in two weeks. If it was an abrasion, it would be healed; if it was still there she would have it biopsied. The dentist did not know that one of my close friends from childhood had died of throat cancer at the age of 50. She did not know that I had been a pipe smoker for 20 years. I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I began thinking about that spot in my mouth. Was I going to die like my friend Ben? Was my life to be cut short? I began to think about all the things I had not yet done. I began to think about life and my friends and family moving forward without me. I was awash in negative emotions. And then I caught myself. I told myself, you tell other people how important it is to be positive, to have positive thoughts, to use affirmations and positive imagery, to focus energy on positive possibilities. Either you believe in what you say or you don’t. If you do, then it’s time to practice what you preach. It’s time to walk your talk.

So I did what I tell others to do when they are worried or fearful. I began an internal dialogue that went something like this: I understand that it is possible that I have throat cancer. I understand that if I do, I might die like my friend Ben. But I choose to give no energy, no additional thought, to that possibility. Instead, I see myself as healthy and active, now and in the coming decades.

Please understand that it’s important to acknowledge the reality of the negative possibility. My experience is that our minds will not let us focus our attention on the positive until we give the negative its due. The key is not to dwell on the negative. When the negative thought or emotion arises, acknowledge it. Then dismiss it but say to yourself, I am going to give my energy and attention to a different possibility. After three or four times, I was no longer in a constant state of worry. When the issue spontaneously entered my consciousness, I used self-talk to reframe the outcome.

This story has a happy ending. When I returned to the dentist two weeks later, the red spot was gone. By the way, I am a student and advanced practitioner of Reiki, which is a method for channeling universal healing energy. During the two-week period I gave myself Reiki each day. I share this because even though I strongly believe in the power of positive thinking, I believe we must also take appropriate action to address our challenges. I’ll never know what I might have heard from the dentist had I allowed myself to be worried sick for two weeks. I do know that even if the spot had required a biopsy, for all practical purposes I would have lost two weeks of my life by giving in to paralyzing thoughts of succumbing to a terminal illness. Life had challenged me to walk my talk.

Walking our talk is not easy. More often than not, we find ourselves veering from what we say and what we say we believe. Life holds up a mirror to us. Friends and family, or our own internal compasses, let us know when we’re not living in accord with our words. Once we are aware of a misalignment, we have the opportunity to reflect, and change course, or not. Striving for authenticity in all aspects of our lives is an ongoing challenge. I hope that like me, you have examples of people who embody their values and are true to their word to point the way.

Suggestion for Action: Identify an area where you feel you are out of alignment between what you have said and what you are doing. Acknowledge to yourself and a trusted friend that you’re having difficulty aligning your actions and intentions. Write a note to remind yourself of your intention. Once each month, check in with yourself to assess your progress. When you make progress, commend yourself and share your progress with your friend. Be patient as you see greater alignment between your words and deeds over time.


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